So, after deciding that I had no interests and no hobbies...I (we) decided that porn was my biggest hobby. I watch it constantly. Always think about trying to create it. And now I'm being scrutinized for it. It was always okay and now it's suddenly a problem.

Time to make it a real hobby and look into production. It's what I want.

Not sure what to feel.

Pain? Relief? Pure, unbridled loathing?


Tell me. I do better when I'm taking commands.

The themes of the last week:

pain
blood
jealousy
insecurity
sadness
trust
knotted stomach
gag reflex
convulsions
hope
more pain
confusion
unsure

I'm torturing myself. I keep wondering. I keep tripping the fuck out. What are you talking about? What is going on? What don't I know about all of it? Every second of every day. Every text. Every syllable. Every fucking letter. I'm perverted. I'm sick with it. I've twisted this situation into a fucking lifestyle that I can't sustain.

I DO know I'm irritating him. The only way I'm dealing with it is talking it out and I know he's getting tired of it. Because I'm talking about it so much, he might not even want to continue and that is NOT my intention. I feel like I'm going in circles. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to be like this. It's driving me crazy.

It's pure, rampantly unbridled masochism. I'm hurting myself. But I'm doing it because I have to. I have to know what will happen afterwards. I have to know that I was feeling all of these things for absolutely no reason. I want to know that afterwards, he won't treat me any differently.

This morning, when he told me to hold his hand when he was half asleep and was all adorable...I might as well have never felt loved until that very moment. I felt like I was dying of thirst and was sated in an instant.


But then the negativity returns. What if, by some movement by the infinite improbability drive, he doesn't want to NOT do it again? And for some fucking reason, I'm not okay with it happening again? Will he resent me? Will our relationship continue building on with a glitch that all our arguments from that day forth will fall back onto? Will she be better than me?

It's not about emotion. But as a woman, I find ways to MAKE it about emotion. I have had a headache and knot in my stomach all week.

Please let it all be for nothing.

Okay. So. I feel stupid.

Why?

Because I won't stop thinking about it. There's no reason for me to be this way.

I'll stop now.


I can't.

I'll try.

Is there some reason why I'm allowing myself to experience this? Masochism. Maybe if I don't feel pain and sadness, I won't feel anything. I prefer to feel alive...even though it's been hard.

I don't not want this to happen. Am I expecting something in return? Nothing I can think of. But maybe it's subconscious. Maybe I thrive on feeling uncomfortable because it's familiar.

I brought this all on myself. It makes life more interesting, doesn't it? The self-loathing is just a bonus. I should never have kids when I hate myself so much.